... Granted, because she believes PCOS is a conspiracy to punish women by making them infertile and because she knows I'm in my thirties. But eerily on point with where a lot of my thoughts have been since that woman was telling me how much her life changed after she got pregnant and just generally feeling incredibly stuck and without choices in life.
Conversations I feel like I can't have with anyone. Like, if I have those conversations with anyone, they'll totally freak out. Either because my friends who are women will think I'm thinking seriously about trying, or the men in my life will be worried I'm going to ask them to be a sperm donor.*
Ana doesn't even know about the sexual dysfunction, I don't think. So the question from her is a lot more eery. Like if Alicia had asked, it's like, she knows I have this barrier in my life that sort of makes my life complicated in the family planning/starting aspect.
*I guess I'd be worried about that too. I guess it's not such a far-flung theory that if I ever went that route I'd want it to be someone I knew. But I usually find it's easier to talk to men about S.D. stuff.
The real reason is that she's pissed off she won't get to sit there turning off her alarm and going back to sleep all night without getting up until 6:40am.
This was it. I decided even if it means sleeping privileges are revoked, I'm going to talk to Isha about how Monique oversleeps during the shift. I can't stand that she has the gall to do 1-2 checks the entire night last night and kept turning off her alarm and now she wants to whine that I'm not coming in again so she can do the same bullshit tonight.
I even pretended to fall asleep last night to see if she would do the checks? And she didn't. I literally saw her still turning off her alarm and going back to sleep. I still had to get up and do the checks because she wouldn't.
That's the only reason why I would want to cut my hours. It's not like I thought it'd be super awesome to make less money. It's because it's causing to much sleep deprivation and resentment of my co-worker.
I've decided when we don't need two staff I'll take 1-3 days off per week to ensure that when I am there, I am able to remain awake.
Like I don't want to rat out Monique because it would cause interpersonal conflict at work (and potentially make them more strictly enforce it being an 'AWAKE' shift whereas they have to date been currently lenient and let us work it among ourselves.) It's a lot easier to offer to divide shifts (like do three days/two days and then switch the next week) or come in less personally.
But it's not fair to basically see someone sleeping next to you all night and know that if you fall asleep that person isn't going to have the checks covered. If I need to be asleep, I won't come in, because I can't trust her to stay awake. I don't want to be liable for dozing off on someone who needs 10-30 minute checks.
Tonight she kept turning her alarm off and continuing to sleep all night. She basically got seven hours of sleep. This has not been an unusual turn of events.
We both work 80+ hours/week, we both have dysfunctional home situations, it's not fair for one person to get all the sleep.
Of course, the other thing I've considered is simply taking more time off the night job whenever there are three clients or less. That way, if something happens, at least I'm not liable, whereas if she tells me she's doing checks and then she is simply sleeping the whole night, I am equally liable.
I also filled out a new C1 for my U.K. Passport. I just need to finish putting in my mother's address and her passport information, then ask her to get information that may be relevant for them (her marriage certificate to my father changing her surname, then the divorce paperwork, then the marriage certificate where she took her current husband's surname. It might be none of that is relevant because she probably has to put that information in when renewing her passport... But still.
I deleted POF/Tinder. I've come to the conclusion that men are depressing. Hundreds and hundreds of men 'like' me, in the hopes that they'll hook up, just as they are 'liking' every damn woman on those sites. I'm just going to try to get back to doing classes, going to the gym, etc. I'm not necessarily holding out for a serious relationship only - but I don't believe I'm likely to respect guys when I see evidence of the grazing approach. Like they couldn't care less about compatibility. Forever alone? Whatever. It's better than being depressed by a constant barrage of dudes hoping for a one-night stand.
But the University of California requires two years of a foreign language. Hence he didn't get in. And then was embarrassed that he didn't apply. Or maybe he had lied to his parents and had told him he didn't get into any of those schools, and then kept that lie for everyone, not realizing what a bad lie that was, because the CSUs are far more numerous and everyone knows the key difference in transferring to a UC or a CSU is whether or not it requires a foreign language.
Anyway, he got into York in England, and that school is highly regarded, so it's not like his GPA wasn't high enough, it would be, as he said, just the language requirements.
(I've also considered that he may have intentionally did what he did to give himself an excuse to go back to Europe to complete his education, as European schools are considered more prestigious. And for all I know, he had a reason to want to go back to England. Be it homesickness, friends, a girl, whatever. But his ego seems enough on its own.)
I want to work on my TEFL course but I can't do it without headphones.
I was also looking at applying to UK Starbucks and working on BACP coursework.
It might make more sense to make an extended visit to my aunt and her husband's place, though, and figure my working situation out. I'd like to try to work in Italy, France, Spain, Germany, and Portugal. But I was thinking I'd like to stop by the UK a while first since technically I'm a citizen. Plus I could then work on counseling and BACP stuff while there. (I'd like to do coursework in those countries too? But only to learn the language.)
It'll probably be a lot easier to find work if already at least on the right continent.
Thought #2: I really like the one job, it's the other job I can't stand. I used to at least like the people there, but most of them are gone. I can't believe I have to do all this safety coach stuff I can never even do, either. Tomorrow and Monday I'm going to have to run around all over the place trying to collect paperwork. It's all freakin' hand-holding because managers don't see enforcing policy within departments as part of their jobs.
Honestly, they ducked it up. If the safety program had been a body of policies rewarding managers whose departments and staff pass audits and don't have injuries free days (and penalizing those who do) this wouldn't be a problem. Instead, they see a nag telling them to do stuff they have decided isn't part of their job. It's a freakin' joke.
Thought #3: I want to get the nursing prerequisites and CADC stuff done.
CCAPP claims it is valid in 47 countries but it doesn't list them anywhere. Kinda suspicious.
ETA: It's by getting the IC&RC tests done, but then you still have to live in California most of the year, which seems ridiculous. In the U.K. the equivalent program is BACP.
I'm going to work on it during the night shift and work on paying down any debts I have - maybe even sell my car toward the end of December... Start figuring out the things I do/don't need in my life. Then I'm going to try to apply for TEFL positions. Maybe look into teacher licensing?
Because Dad came home today, and the place was a horrible mess. My brother was sleeping in a rat nest. In the living room. And my dad was upset and sad and I left because I was worried they'd get into a screeching argument into one another.
And I was thinking about how miserable I am at Ralphs. How Mike talks about 'moving up in the company' and like... I don't really want that. What I want is to travel and not be at home with my brother and my father burdened by my brother.
And I was sitting there, eating fast food (again) and thinking about how unhappy I was, and then I thought, "Will moving make me happy?"
And the answer is that I have stuff I need to work on. I have low sense of self-worth to work on. Codependency issues to work on. A sexual dysfunction to work on (because currently that also makes me unhappy.) Moving won't suddenly make me a happy person. I need physical intimacy and I have a hard time accepting it. I need to establish better boundaries with people so I don't feel taken advantage of. I need a lot of things in my life that I can work on to make me happy.
But at least half my problem is I feel trapped and stuck and I go home and everyone's miserable and everything's a mess. I can't do things I love (like photography, travel, language study) because I'm working like 80+ hours/week.
So I'm going to:
1. Keep going on with trying to get my U.K. and Irish Passports.
2. Get the damn TEFL certification.
3. Fucking leave the country.
Nursing might be a nice ideal that would make me more money, but I can do the teaching certificate much faster and if I want international credentials I should be trying to figure out how to go to nursing school in the U.K. I just want to make sure that if I leave the country I can work.
Regrettably, this also means staying with Ralphs until April so I can pay off any debts. I almost want to turn in my notice today. But I need to stay with both jobs to save money and get to a debt-free point in my life. I want 0 debt and preferably $3k minimum in my savings account.
I just have to stay disciplined about only having water/fruit/veggies/PB&J.
Me, "God, I hope not. That would mean I'm still here."
I am so not trying to maintain these ties, that's exactly what I don't want to do. No keeping ties with people who make me miserable by not following through on promises.
Like I kept it relatively not-awkward while he was still here, but if all goes well, I will never see/hear from him again, lol.
It's 1:00PM so in theory Jordan (even if he's taking an evening flight) will be on his way to the airport, to get there three hours before the flight, to leave by 7pm-8pm. BYE BOY.
LIV SCRATCHED RAVI. (Supposedly he's vaccinated against the zombie disease.) AND THEY SAID THEY LOVED EACH OTHER.
Granted, they meant that in an 'as friends' way. And after the episode with his sex flashbacks I can't blame her. BUT UNTIL THAT EPISODE I SHIPPED IT HARD AND I RESENT THAT THEY MADE HIM AS UNSEXY AS POSSIBLE TO DISSUADE THAT TWO EPISODES LATER.
I'm teaching a Heraldry 101 class tomorrow at Kingdom A&S and I have exactly one thing typed for a hand out - my list of sources. Everything else is going to be a quick run down, showing off SENA and the Admin Handbook, and then questions! I like answering questions. I will make sure my phone is ready to go and maybe even my notebook computer since it's sometimes easier to see something on that screen that a phone screen.
I am a terrible lecturer. AND Adalyde put me up against Morin's Poison Garden class. HOW COULD SHE. I've offered a prize to whoever shows up to my class with Morin's handout.
I loaned out Seasons 2 and 3 of Game of Thrones to Jenna. She devoured Season 1, so I need to eventually pick up the physical copies of Seasons 4-7.
Dystopia Rising has been awesome lately, I've decided to create a Rover Sawbones (basically a combat medic) and I'm pretty sure I will not use a weapon the first couple of games. Mostly because I need the build for other stuff. Like Rescue and Scrounge and other stuff like that.
I forgot that there was a youngish James Woods in John Carpenter's Vampires. I like this movie a lot, no joke. Then again, I like James Woods. But the effects are really neat. Daniel Baldwin makes me groan a lot, though. I'm not a huge fan of him.
I have an awful lot of stuff to get ready for the month of October. It is full of stuff to do - first weekend in October is actually empty, then there's Coronation, Four Horsemen, Diamond Wars and GAHSS, DR:AR (debuting my Rover on my birthday weekend) and then my cousin Caitlin's wedding. Wow. Busy.
I also treated an issue going on with my back, since I asked for tonight off of work (did last night as well.)
I'm going to try to do these treatments at least 2x per week in the future, and I'm going to try to do the hot compresses twice per night at work. I just need to find a place (like, well, the master bathroom there) where I can clean up any mess the hot compresses make easily.
Anyway, my eyes feel 100% better. They don't look 100% better - whatever is going on with my right eye is being really stubborn and it is still bloodshot. But it doesn't feel nearly as irritable.
Tomorrow I have to get back onto graduate certificate/graduate school stuff. I'm looking at doing nursing prerequisite work and while doing that also looking at a social work program and an MFT program. I haven't been on it lately, 'cause of my eyes. This is why I have to stay on top of preventative care.
Since Taylor contacted me at 10:00PM it was really tempting to tell him how I had asked for tonight off of work and actually had nothing to do. But I don't really feel safe around Taylor. I don't mean like he's dangerous, I mean, there just isn't that emotional attachment there yet, and because he already does things that don't exactly boost my confidence, I was not exactly going to invite him over.
Plus, the apartment's sort of a mess right now. The living room and kitchen are mostly a courtesy of Kevin (how did he do that in a day?). My room isn't exactly that clean either right now - I just brought in a ton of crap for making goodie bags, I need to get a load of work clothes done, there's materials from my eye compresses all over the bathroom, etc. If Jessica had wanted to hang out (not that she ever would this late) we'd have avoided the house because she hates messes. If Jordan had wanted to hang out, I'd have just cleaned the living room/kitchen area up, 'cause he knows about my living situation. Taylor does not.
Plus, Taylor wants to have metaphysical discussions, and I'll be quite honest: My mind is focused on my eyes and Jordan right now, and more specifically, the way I feel about Jordan, and how I can't wait for those feelings to go away (not to say I'm not also sad, but when your libido is winning over your rational brain 3:1* and the main person you're attracted to cannot give two fucks about you, it is for the best, for the love of God, I can't wait til he's out of the country and I no longer know his phone number.)
Fortunately, I don't work til a bit later tomorrow. I'll have time to do this stuff between compresses.
Anyway. Time for the Systane treatment. (I have a love/hate relationship with that stuff. I love it because my eyes feel so great afterward. I hate it because it makes me blind.)
*In past years, I have had zero sex drive/libido to speak of - which was fine, because I also have a sexual dysfunction. And honestly, since I've gotten one, I don't know what the fuck to do with it, because I can't do the thing it's kinda made for. Or maybe I could, with some time/patience, but I don't have that type of relationship with anyone.
I heard women's sex drives go up a lot in their thirties so maybe that's why this is happening. I don't appreciate it. It could at least do me a solid and refocus on someone with mutual attraction. Sadly, increased libido does not mean decreased monogamy: Still crush on only one person at a time.
I'm getting more hot compress ready. I need to add salt to the water to prevent my eyes from getting baggy looking again.
Taylor started texting me again but like. He keeps not sending his schedule. I'm sort of over it. I'm kinda done with guys saying "Sorry I keep forgetting to do this thing I promised, but..."
Basically I'm seeing the same problems that occurred with Jordan starting to crop up. I can't let fun conversations get away from acknowledging reality.
Doesn't matter how much I'd like to get over the sexual dysfunction part of my life. No shitty men.
The best part is, even though she's clearly disgusted and off-put, he's super proud of himself.
I had a crush on character-Ravi, but damn, that's gross. (That's one of the things that does happen to gross me out about sex. It all seems so fake and corny. Granted, he's acting, so it really is fake and corny, but a lot of the behaviors people talk about with regard to sex sounds also very over-acted and fake, thus making it sound stupid.)
TL;DR: My character-crush on Ravi is reduced by like 90% but this episode is still the best.
Any time I have crush-related feelings on Jordan in the future I'm going to imagine him screeching "Flatulent Jabba-the-hut" and that should take care of it.
I just realized it. The trigger. People who are confident about their bodies, lol. That's what Ravi and Jordan have in common. Their responses are so alike it could be canned.
I went as long as I could, and then I put Systane night drops in my eyes. So I can't see now. I put honey, salt*, and lemon-chamomile tea in the hot water.)
I'm not sure how much it influenced anything. I'll try more tomorrow. Since I don't have the materials, I'm limited on the amount of compresses I can do today. I also think I'll take Ana's advice and try UCI/UCLA medical centers, see if any of them have any ideas.
*The salt should hopefully decrease my eyes' puffiness. Putting a lot of fresh water on eyes can make them appear baggies, supposedly. In theory the lemon will have the same benefit.
I haven't heard from Jordan at all today. I guess our last conversation was our last conversation. I hadn't realized, or I'd have said goodbye. When he said he was leaving Friday, I figured we'd be able to talk through Thursday.
Ah, well. All the sooner to get used to not being able to talk to him.